oprah takes on the universe

believe me when i say i accidentally happened upon the oprah show the other day only to find that our almighty maven of midday gab has added The Universe to the list of things under her control. as if the new york times bestseller list, the beef industry and the minds of most of the 25-45 female demographic weren't enough, oprah has now found a way to alter the time-space continuum in favor of losing weight, advancing a career and (a perennial favorite) finding the perfect man (note: in this particular universe, no man ever seems to be in search of the perfect woman--very curious).

anyway there she sat, with nary a hint of irony or humility, among a panel of "experts," discussing with utmost seriousness the ways in which you (yes, you), with a little guidance from her (the all-exalted) could command the universe to give you exactly what you want. conceptually, i was able to follow them partway down their promise-laden path. the premise was, as i understood it, that if you project positive energy out into the world, the world will respond in kind by delivering to you those things which you most deeply desire. makes sense enough, and we're all familiar with the notion that if you put out goodness, goodness comes back to you. only one problem: in true oprah fashion, the suggestion was carried to ludicrous heights wherein everything from a publishing deal to a 27-inch waist could be miraculously obtained by these so-called positive projections.

"just put it out to The Universe and The Universe will respond", the great one promised.
clap, clap, nod, nod, went the audience.

one by one, her over-eager panelists described case studies of individuals once poor, fat and lonley who were suddenly keyed in to "the secret" and almost overnight found financial freedom, extreme weight loss and true love. all this would be far less disturbing to me were it not for the fact that the big O and her guests kept referring to the Universe as though it were Santa Claus or some other benevolent figure with a bottomless bag of goodies ready to reward those who follow its carefully outlined laws.

"The Universe knows when you don't believe in yourself, and that's not gonna get The Universe to give you what you need," holy O would say.
clap, clap, nod, nod.

now look. i do believe in the idea that if you appreciate what you have and do the best with what you're given, things will generally turn out all right. but to suggest that your puny lil thoughts are going to bend universal matter in such a way as to generate your every wish and desire (especially those related to piddling requests like "a man" or "to lose those last ten pounds") is pushing even the grotesquely skewed limits of oprahdom.

if you want a better career, put some effort into it. if you wanna lose weight, drop that cookie and get off your ass. and if you want a man (lord only knows why you would, but ok), learn to love yourself and eventually one of them will do the same.

take that, Universe!