the art of public pooing

(this one's in honor of my BFF)

before we begin, let me warn you that this one's gonna get a bit dirty so if you're squeamish (or still believe in the fantasy that girls shit rose petals) stop HERE.

still reading? well then consider yourself warned.

as a woman with highly functional bowels (avg. three times a day! aren't you proud?), i find myself in need of expelling my goods outside of the home more often than i'd like. and in doing so, i usually wind up in a sticky situation (sorry for the unfortunate pun).

tell me if this sounds familiar:

you gotta take a big shit and have to do it in a public setting (probably work or school or coffee shop, whatever). you need to go REAL BAD, but fear the exposure and judgement of others in so open a setting and thus plug the turtle back in its hole for another time. how unfortunate!

many people i know wouldn't be caught dead dumping in public, but let me tell you, you need not fear it. there is a system! and after so so so many successful bouts, i've got it all figured out. just follow these simple rules and you too could be pooing all over the place in no time!

1) when you stroll into the restroom casually case the place to take account of who saw you coming in (it helps to note the shoes to accomodate your limited angle from inside the stall later on)

2) pick your target toilet (preferably one at least two doors away from any other occupied stall) and get comfy, you're gonna be here a while

3) depending on your level of defecatory bashfulness you could get right down to business, but if you don't want those who witnessed your entrance (perhaps a boss or that girl who's always talking smack around the office) knowing it's you, give'em a few seconds to make their exit. (don't worry so much about who else is in the stalls...they won't know what's what if you do it right)

4) once the identifiable persons have departed, it's all you, baby! go crazy!!

5) by this point the air is likely filling with...well...i don't need to tell you what shit smells like. now comes the tricky part. if you run into someone just entering the space how will you convince them that the offensive odor was not your doing?! either you wait til no one's present in the common area OR if there's someone lingering about, you move quickly towards the sink with a scrunchy-nose-face and roll your eyes in the direction of any other stall that may have someone in it. give your "fellow innocent bystander" a knowing glance (as in "phew! can you believe the stink that bitch has got goin in there?!") and you're in the clear!

congratulations! you've now successfully lightened your load (both literally and figuratively).

now that's some good shit!

this is great!