gold's gym and the bra-less wonder

so there i was, doing a set of abs at my local meat locker yesterday, when i came up on the incline and found myself face-to-face with my arch nemesis: the bra-less wonder! (dun-dun-dun!). who is this mysterious foe and why have we sworn rivalry against one another, you may ask?

it all began about a month ago when bra-less wonder first stepped on my hair. i was stretching out on a mat in an area full of empty space when she perched right above me at a 90-degree angle, scowled into the mirror ahead and started grinding her dingy reeboks into my ponytail. never able to comprehend why one human would knowingly inflict pain on another, i assumed she didn't see my foot-long tail (which blends deceptively well into the dark padding on the gym floor) and i motioned up to her to step back. she frowned down at me, apparently annoyed that i dare interrupt her reflective self-loathing, and gave my bundle of hair one last twist before releasing it. i scrambled to my knees, ready to give her what's what when i was blinded by a pair of fiercely sharp nipples glaring at me from under her sweat-soaked lycra top. i tumbled backwards, gasping for air. never before had i seen such a sight! it hurt to look, and yet i could not turn away. by now she'd noticed that i was staring and turned another 45 degrees opposite to me with a look of disgust on her face as if to say "how dare you!"

how dare i? how dare YOU?! or rather, how in the hell DO you? for those of you who don't have boobs, imagine a 2-pound sack of pudding hanging off either side of your chest. now imagine running, jumping, squatting and doing just about anything with no carefully designed carrying case strapped on to protect you from the inevitable jostling. that shit's straight painful!

and on top of that, bra-less wonder, what are you trying to prove?

i'm all for feminist statements. go ahead and burn bras or whatever other pointless shit you feel will help. but please, for the love of all that is decent, at least tape band-aids over your nipples when you're at the gym. it's bad enough that we have to grunt, stink and heave side-by-side, the least we can do is ease up on the visuals. PUT THOSE NIPS AWAY!

three times now we've run into each other (all four of us) and each time her nipples just seem to get bigger. i've thought about writing her a letter or subtely slipping a sports bra into her locker, but something tells me bra-less wonder is beyond my reach. all i can do now is pray that the next time i see her i look away before they catch me.
living in constant fear...